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Family Man

Auntivisitjune07-1  As Father’s Day is upon us, I thought I would write about the tried and true family man.

Never the girl who dreamed of wedding dresses or knights in shining armor, I am independent, opinionated and not exactly the kind of girl men would rush to marry as far as I’m concerned.  Therefore I also believed there was no way in the world I would have a family because I am not the kind of person to purposely do something like that on my own ( I know my limitations). So to quote my late uncle Kit, who looked at me and smiled and said, “Look who’s married with babies, eh?”  it was pretty surprising to me and pretty much anyone who really knew me that my life unfolded the way it did.

I met Tom in 1991 and we became really good friends.  After 4 years of being a couple we married and two years and a few months later we had our Adam.  I remember the moment my friend and husband Tom transformed into a family man.  It certainly wasn’t when I was pregnant.  I mean, he was wonderful and caring during the nine months but I was the one with the life growing inside me while he was an observant by-stander. The biology and physiology of being pregnant makes it difficult for guys to have the same loving and intimate connection we do to our babies.  Tom’s debut in the  world of the family man happened when Adam left the mother ship and launched into the atmosphere screaming at the top of his lungs. I looked at Tom’s face when he walked over and quietly said, “Hello Adam,” and placed his finger in the little hand.  Instantly Adam looked right at him and stopped crying as if he recognized his voice.  It was at that moment my husband’s face changed.  He seemed different – as if something in his head said “Ok, this is it! It changes and starts now!” He seemed a little more mature, a little more serious and suddenly I felt that as long as he was with us,we would be safe and protected.  It was Tom the friend, the husband, partner and worker compounded by this new Tom; Tom the father, bringing everything full circle to make him what he was supposed to be – a family man.  Two and a half years later, fatherhood was second nature to him and though we were both more tired – the kind of tired where you feel like you just want to puke or curl up somewhere and die, I found him sexier.  There was something about him when he would have the toddler by the hand and the baby in the crook of his arm or when he sat in this white wooden rocking chair and fed Logan, or when he carried one of them on his shoulders.  He was so big and they were so small and he handled them effortlessly even they were insanely rowdy.  Fatherhood seemed to fit Tom like a comfortable pair of running shoes and good days or bad, he enjoys it.

As a woman, I understand why we marry and have children ( even when the reasons are less than rational) but I have often wondered and asked why do men?  I’m sorry to sound stereotypical but you hardly hear boys talking about their future wedding.  You don’t often see them trying on the suit their father got married in and you rarely hear them talking about babies.  The answer I got from Tom was so simple it was almost too simple.  He said he never planned to marry but he knew how he felt about me and he knew as he was considering getting married that he would be interested in having a family and building a life with me by his side.  My response was, “So you just knew?”  and he nodded and replied, “As we went along, I knew what I wanted to have with you,”.

And so here we are, two children and a couple of dogs later. There have been moves across the country, job changes, career changes, apartments, cities, autism, a little asthma, stitches, tents, two houses, schools, homework, sports, more sports, cars, laughter, tears, grief, death, illness, accidents, time outs, rewards, punishment, therapy for the kid, therapy for us because of the kid, more laughter, big vacations, little getaways. Lots of talking, very little sleeping, fireworks, fireflies, movies and comic books, hot dogs, hamburgers, peanut butter, cookies and candy. Amusement parks, skate parks,band aids, casts, blood, teeth, tooth fairies, Santa and the Easter bunny.   Bicycles, talent shows, plays, recitals, games, lazy days, busy days, tournaments, endless driving, expense, worry, hugs, worry,arguments, fighting, worry, crying, puke, poop, money highs and money lows and too many more things to mention.  But at the end of the day it’s all been worth having someone to share these moments with – someone steady in my corner.

My family man is my best friend, loving husband and a magnificent father and role model.  He works hard to put money in the bank, food on the table and clothes on our backs.  He is an upstanding and outstanding gentleman who is not someone I would describe as religious but is someone who lives his life by the golden rule and is fair, kind, honest and is one of the best human beings I know.   He holds his head high even on the hard days and all he wants in return is to see us smile.  So… he makes us smile with his constant joking and gags and the wonderful family vacations and outings and treats he works so hard to provide.  He’s always looking for those perfect little ideas that he thinks will make our day and yet all he has to do  is just be himself, right  here with us.  My family man has weathered many storms with our family and is our rock.  He always puts us first and feels a huge sense of satisfaction when the special moments he’s created for us successfully allows us to rekindle our family bond and our love for each other. He makes things happen. He is so filled with love and pride when it comes to our family it’s hard for him to contain.  We are enough for him yet in his mind, he can’t give us enough even though he has.  He is helping me raise two fine young men and I hope they hold on to all that he teaches them and become role models for others.

I know I am blessed and fortunate to have Tom.  The family man, it seems is not so easy to find anymore. Couples don’t stay married as long as they used to and our busy world makes for busy lives with very little time for couples to reconnect. We have our ups and downs in our relationship but at the end of the day, I think we remember why we fell in love and how much our family and our life together means to us.  We are happy together no matter what situation we may find ourselves.  The attraction and the appreciation, respect and care is still there and it is reminiscent or the relationship my parents had right up to my father’s passing.  My parents had that same connection and they cared for it always.  My parents hugged and kissed and held hands often and suffice it to say, I married a man with values and traits much like my father’s and our relationship as a couple tends to mirror the one he had with my mother and the thought that we could be together to the end like they were, is heartwarming.

So to all you tried and true family men out there, I raise my glass to you.  You are important and you are filled with love.  You are the foundation of your family and you are loved and appreciated. Happy Father’s Day and continued blessings.

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Seriously, United Airlines? Again???

Wonders never cease! If kicking off an autistic girl and her family wasn’t enough, United Airlines kicked off Walk of the Earth singer Sara Blackwood (7 months pregnant) and her 1 year old toddler from the flight because he had a crying spell. Though he settled and fell asleep before the plane taxied, the attendants and pilot decided that she and her son be escorted off the plane. The airline lied and said the child was unattended in the aisles crying and screaming. Other passengers took to social media right away saying the child never left his mother’s lap. So there you have it, United Airlines is only okay to transport adults and the elderly providing they are perfectly still and make no requests of their staff.

Are they trying to go out of business? At this rate, I’m happy to help them do so by NOT EVER flying with them.

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Through the eyes of our 12 year old Logan James

In case you cannot make out what he has written here it is (penmanship and all at 12 when one is of the male persuasion in this family lol)  This was his assignment for school.

Puzzle Pieces – by Logan James.

He feels

Disturbed and confused

Trying to fit in,

Trying to get out.

He cannot say what he feels and sometimes everyone gets it wrong

He feels energetic but he cannot always control his body.

He does not want to be weird but he acts strange.

There are good things though …

There is music where he finds his voice.

There is drawing.

The sound of his blades carving the ice.

The sound of his hands slapping the water.

He feels free.

He is not strange.

He is happy.

He is not looking for the puzzle pieces that fit.

He is a completed puzzle.

He is just Adam.Puzzle Pieces By Logan James

(Thank you Logan. We are so blessed to have you in our family and you are a great gift to your big brother,Adam xo Mom)

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Bon Voyage – Unless of Course You Have Special Needs and Are Flying on United Airlines

I know it isn’t everyone’s reality, but dealing with a special needs family member isn’t easy.  Our normal (and don’t try to be politically correct and say “what is normal really?” because there is your life and then there is ours)…our normal is a freak show.  Living with Adam’s autism is a life sentence for me and my husband and to an extent for Logan. We LOVE him and are so very proud of him and all that he has accomplished but it is very easy to resent the autism sometimes…this “thing” that has him in it’s clutches, that makes the simplest thing incredibly difficult.  Since we alone really know how to care for him, no matter how independent he becomes, we are responsible for making sure he’s okay and that others around him are okay as well.  So when I head that United Airlines kicked off a mother, her son and her 16 year old autistic daughter because the girl was disruptive, I have to ask, should they have just rented a car and take the longest road trip ever to spare everyone else from her noises?   The passengers said she was no more disruptive than a crying baby and many came to the defense of the family but while happy to take the woman’s airfare,  the airline was not happy to fly them to their destination.

We are okay if someone is blind or deaf and we are very concerned about people with scent or peanut allergies but God help you if your child looks “normal” and acts weird and makes weird sounds because unlike your children, they can’t always verbally express themselves.  Let me tell you what this woman had to go through to get this child on the plane and to their destination. She most likely had to put a series of photos or pictures together in a social story* a few weeks in advance to prepare her for travel.  If she is noise sensitive she probably had to get all the contraptions to help with that (ipod/ipad, headphones, medication, earplugs, gum if her child is able to chew gum properly. maybe a weighted vest or blanket* or something to help with the anxiety of the teen years, flying, crowds etc., ) and then try and think of a way she and her son could help control her if, or when she reacted to things they couldn’t control like lights, smells, sounds.

Of course you can easily say well then she shouldn’t fly but then what if she was on her way to a medical appointment, or a funeral?  Sometimes we weirdo families have to fly.  Let me assure you that before we fly, or go to a movie, or go to a store to buy toilet paper, if we absolutely have to take our children with us, we spend a lot of time preparing them for how they should behave in public. In a round about way, we ask them to put their autism on hold just so that other people would not be uncomfortable by their presence.  My son is 15 and 6 feet tall and with puberty came this incredible energy where he just wants to sing out loud and sometimes dance and with the long arms and legs he’s inherited from his father, he sometimes looks like he’s having some kind of fit.  So, before we go anywhere, my once very zen kid who has less control of his body now that he is in puberty, has to be told that he has to keep his arms at his side and keep his happiness in check and not be too loud because he’s a big guy and people can be a little scared or intimidated by him because they don’t know he has autism.  I tell my child how to behave in public so as not to disrupt other people because every parent of every autistic child is very aware that the world should not stop just for our kids and that it is our responsibility to make sure they don’t cause you any trouble.  We all do it, and I know this woman did all she could to prepare her child for travel and I also know that like all of us, she felt that sick walking-on-egg-shells feeling because you can do all the preparation in the world and it could all go down the toilet anyway.

Last week, Adam and I did the Big Bike Challenge for charity for the Heart and Stroke Foundation.  It was a lot of fun for him and he and the team we rode with had a blast.  While we were waiting to get on the bike, the driver came to me and said he noticed Adam was jumping and screeching off to the side earlier and he wanted to know if he would be okay on the bike.  I assured him politely that he was going to be fine  without getting into detail that Adam is an incredible athlete and that his legs were going to be the ones to really power the bike.  While I understood why he asked, I was a little irritated.  Would I put my son on a bike with 8 other people if I didn’t think he could handle it?  Would I jeopardize his or our safety? I am NOT about including Adam into social events at any cost.  If Adam had not been in puberty and was the zen 12 year old he used to be, he would not have shown his excitement by jumping and screeching in excitement and anticipation of his ride.  To the driver he looked odd, behaved differently from the rest of us and is big and tall so obviously it was questionable for him to be on what is literally a massive bike on 14 training wheels. It doesn’t matter anymore anyway.  We helped raise money for a good cause and Adam had a great time and is looking forward to doing something like that again but until he is publicly zen again, I’m doubtful that we will.

So far, we have been lucky.  The best part of our vacations is the airport and the plane ride for Adam. He loves aviation. Hell, we’ve even been complimented on how “well behaved” he was on the flight when people figured out he had special needs.  That is a strange compliment to receive – I still don’t know how to take that.  But the last time we traveled with him was 2 years ago before the puberty demon reared it’s ugly head.  Who knows what he will do on a flight now that he is in full out puberty?  But I will do due diligence and call the airline and request the bulkhead seats and give Adam the window and pack the ipad and the ipod and give him his magnesium and his 5HTP supplements to help with any anxiety he may have that I can’t see and I will sit wide awake and mindful of him the entire flight because that is what we parents of autistic kids do.

We have regularly used United Airlines when flying in the US but of course Adam was quiet aka “well behaved” the entire trip but now that he is dealing with puberty and so much is unknown and unpredictable with him now, we will not be flying with them from this point on.   Hopefully we will not be in this family’s situation and we will never be asked to disembark a flight but nothing is impossible.  If nothing else, I want you to know that we parents of autistic kids aren’t selfish or inconsiderate – far from.  We do keep you all in mind as well as our families but it is damn hard to control the unpredictable.  We do the best we can with what we have and we do not rest … we keep trying and changing gears for our children and for you. It would be nice if the airline we pay to get us to our destination were staffed with attendants who could help us out if things were a little difficult. Next time you go on a flight remember all you had to do was set your alarm, wake up, have a coffee, grab your bags and get to the airport …easy pickings from point A to B.  Parents of autistic children have to plan weeks in advance and when you recline your seat and go to sleep,know that we are awake, vigilant over our children because we are trying to make the flight as comfortable for you, as well as our children.  Bon Voyage everyone.  Maybe we will be heading to the same destination one day.  However if you are on United Airlines, I won’t be seeing you.

* social story – a story with photos or pictures read and shown to autistic persons to help them know what to expect  in a situation

*Weighted vest or blanket – just as it sounds, a heavy vest or blanket used on autistic persons and dogs to help with the physical experience of anxiety.

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Finally … We can breathe!

It is no secret that I have a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to puberty especially when it is combined with autism.  The autism I get because we’ve lived with it for 13 years … its the hormones and the attitude and the defiance that comes along with a youngster entering adulthood presents to you when trying to define and assert himself COMBINED with the challenges of autism that I absolutely despise.    Don’t get me wrong, I love my children but damn it if there are days when I just want to ram my head into a wall when the teen stink rears it’s ugly head in this house.  Puberty hit with Adam HARD and if there was a year this family was going to go belly up in every sense, 2014 was it!  But, we survived.  Tom and I (as much as I could anyway) kept our heads down, worked the business with the some of the most “interesting” clients.  No amount of good sense made sense to them and keeping our young business alive was an uphill battle.  Add to that a son with autism in puberty who was angry more than not and a younger son just tugging at our heart strings as he stepped up in any way he could to help us deal with his brother.  2014 was the year things could have gone either way.  We could have given up on our livelihood or we could have given up on Adam but we didn’t.  They were both our babies and we couldn’t walk away from a business or a kid we believed in. We just kept going; working the business and working our hardest to put the right things in place to save Adam from himself and damn it, we did it!

2015 started off with us getting some wonderful clients who really understood what we could do to make their lives better.  It was like the heavens opened up and sent us people who needed our advice and who were willing to listen and learn and realize that we had their best interest at heart.  Thank you God, thank you universe, thank you good fortune. (how Alanis Morissette of me).  Then, if that wasn’t uplifting enough, at the end of January in the heart of winter we  along with Tom’s sister Suzanne, his brother Martin and His wife Christa and their little ones, were off to North Bay to see Adam who made it to the Special Olympic Winter Provincial games in spite of the puberty fiasco of 2014.  You have to appreciate that we were so unable to get through to Adam, that getting him to these games was my benchmark, my taste of victory for him and a sign of his own ability to get out of the funk he was in.  I didn’t give a shit if he placed.  I just wanted to get him to North Bay, have him compete without incident and have an amazing experience and I just wasn’t sure if he or we could turn things around for him fast enough.  Well wouldn’t you know the little bugger (or rather the 6 ft bugger) had a medal sweep.  Four events, four medals – 1 gold and 3 silver.  Watching him on the podium, watching him having fun at the loudest ever opening and closing ceremonies, watching him dance and rock out to the live band at the after party, eat with his team mates and  learn that he shared a room peacefully without incident with his team mate and listen to his coaches without defiance was the first indication that we had made it.  We and he survived the bullshit combination of puberty and autism.  The plan was in place, the respite family couldn’t be more perfect, the treatment was working and he was beginning to understand that we would never be intimidated by his behavior nor would we allow disrespect in our home. He knew we loved him too much to let him self destruct and we could see that he was beginning to understand that while we were all in favour of him becoming his own person, he had to do so while learning to respect authority and having consideration for others.

And then there was Tom.  You never know why you meet a person until you see how they are in the most trying of times.  It is in these times that you realize that just maybe there is a divine plan for your life and the person you are with, is supposed to be in your life. Tom is an old school man.  You know, the ones who provide, protect and fix the broken stuff. The ones who make you feel that everything is going to be alright even when he barely believes it himself.  The one who makes you feel safe.  Tom had the hardest business year mostly because of the distraction that was Adam in 2014 but he never whined about it and he never softened or wilted under pressure.  He got up every day, kissed me good morning, walked the dog and helped me get the boys to school (mornings were particularly challenging with Adam who did NOT want to go to school), dressed and went to work, head held high even on the days he wanted to just crumble and curl up in bed.  He mostly worked alone as he gave me months of time off from the office to sort out the Adam stuff.  He came home to help with dinner and he listened to me bitch and complain about the obstacles in my way.  He tried to keep me calm (which is NOT easy) and pointed out anything positive he could find in the worst of “an Adam situation”. He made Logan’s life as uplifting and normal as possible in a tumultuous year and he implicitly trusted whatever I did to try to get Adam on the right path.  Most of all, even on the days I wouldn’t give him the courtesy of a smile, he tried to make our lives fun.  In a situation where many people would just walk away, Tom stood strong and he went to work and he paid the bills and made sure whatever needed to happen with Adam was financially handled.  He may not be the mushiest of men, nor the most vocal when it comes to affairs of the heart but his love pours out in his role as husband and father and to me that is what men are supposed to be – solid, fearless even when they are scared, resilient and reliable. Now that I think about it, it’s kinda sexy too.

This month, and more importantly this week was golden for Tom and therefore for me as well.  God was good, the universe was set up in the right way and most of all, the hard, hard work and dedication to giving people the service and care they deserve yielded the results we had hoped for.  Integrity, honesty and fairness paid off and I am happy that our boys were watching as things on the business front unfolded.  This was a good week.  This was a week that stood on a foundation built on a love I never knew I would experience, persistence, faith and 4 souls who refused to quit.  We had help from a very special family along the way, and the support of our immediate family and close friends as well and as I write this I realize just how truly blessed we are. I suppose in the worst of times, blessings come in all forms and if you aren’t careful, you could miss them as it is easy to be blinded by the darkness of hardship. Life is short and it is a roller coaster and for what it’s worth, I’d do it all again with the same triumphs and problems.

My hope for you is that you live your life in love and in hope and with faith that being at the lowest of lows only means that the only way to go from there is up.  Have your partner’s back knowing that facing hardship together will help you conquer it. Surround yourself with people you can really count on and be comfortable with the fact that it will usually be only a few.  Rid yourselves of the people and things and places that weigh you down and learn from every experience then extend yourself to someone in need. To think that this is the last of our hard times would be naive.  It IS life, after all!  But, we are in a long awaited, well deserved and beautiful oasis right now.  My soul is soaring. My heart is full …overflowing actually, with happiness and long awaited peace after a difficult year. I know myself better now and my head is clear and it is with great joy I embrace the opportunity my family has to really…finally … breathe.

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World Autism Day 2015

“Blue blue my world is blue,

Blue is my world now I’m without you.”

When Andre Popp wrote this song it was about lost love.  I remember humming it in my head, laughing to myself (and maybe at myself) in a kind of crazy disbelief of my life when I was told my first baby boy had autism.  I felt so sad in the beginning as the child I thought I had was gone and it was anger and love  that made me fight for him.  I describe it as a scene where I saw him as being miles away from me sitting in the darkness and I was tirelessly tossing him a bright white rope – a lifeline that I was waiting for him to grab hold of so I could pull him back to me.  I’d toss and toss and hope for him to just catch it and hold it tight and every time he didn’t, I’d come up with a new way to throw it or to make it more attractive.  Without Adam, the Adam I thought we had, our world was sad blue…and then one day, he caught the “rope” and with Tom and Logan’s help, I’ve been pulling him back ever since.  And our world?  Still blue…a beautiful bright blue even on days when autism makes things tough.

Today, while I think about our Adam and all the adults and kids I know like him, I think mostly of their families and my family.  I think about how far from the norm our normal is and all the adjusting, modifying, sacrificing we do sometimes just to go to the store.  I think about getting to the point where all you have left is love and it is the only thing that motivates you to get out of bed after a rough night with your kid(s). I think about the joy we feel for each other when the tiniest achievement is made by one of our children and I think about the times we’ve walked, run, fund-raised, hugged, laughed, cried and vented together.  I think about the pain we have all buried deep inside just so that we can keep going for our autistic kids and our other kids and I look at the good people we all are and what fantastic parents we are and are still becoming and still I am at a loss for why our children are a part of this strange, brilliant, unique, fascinating yet complicated and often incomprehensible world of autism.  What happened when we were having them?  What happened after they were born?  We most likely will never know what causes autism and honestly, for me, it’s ok.  It’s all finally becoming ok.  I have the most amazing son whose world is so different from mine yet, he shines every time he sings, draws, runs or skates around an arena so quickly, he looks like he’s flying.  I have my awesome Logan whose joie de vivre and compassionate and patient personality fills in the spaces of  the puzzle and he makes us whole. And then there is Tom who gives me the strength I need when I think I have nothing left.  And because he is always there supporting me, pushing me and sometimes just sitting beside me holding my hand, I am never afraid.   He takes care of us, loves us, fixes everything and makes it all better all the time.  He provides for us and most of all finds ways to make our lives fun and normal and I truly believe he was meant for me as much as Adam and Logan were meant to be our sons.

Today I ask you all to remember those with autism but also remember their families, today, this week and every week.  Don’t see us with pitiful eyes because we are too strong for your pity.  What we need is your support.  Don’t leave us alone, don’t mind your own business…we are your business and we need your help very often in the simplest of ways. Come and find out what tired really is and offer a few hours of respite to your neighbour who has a kid with autism. You won’t do anything wrong, you are able to handle it and you’ll be doing something so good for someone else, I promise you there will be no end to the warm and joyful feeling you’ll have inside just by giving parents an opportunity to take a break and breathe.  If you like to draw or paint, spend half an hour with someone with autism and challenge yourself to find a way to reach them with your craft. Take them for a swim or to a movie or take them bowling. Sing with them, play music for them and show them you are interested in being a part of their world and invite them to be a part of yours. Imagine if you could not reach out to people socially and no one but your parents ever reached out to you.  Befriend them. Parents can’t do it alone. Together, we can make a difference in the lives of our autistic children and their families.

Here’s to Adam, Logan, Tom, Grampa J, Granny A, Cameron, Quin, Shelley, Martin, Betty, Claude,Ange, Kate, Alyssa Scott, Abby, Chris, JoAnne, Matt and his brother and sisters, Yvonne, Paul, Carson, Rheanne, Rowan and his Grands, Amber,Bailey, Alice, Romano, Andrew, George, Maria, Costa, Anthony and their sister and brother, Lisa, Noah, Aiden, Benzie, Mark Simon and his brother and sisters, Lorna and son, Karlene and son,Petunia, Linda, BJ, Gabe, Liam Darren  and to the many, many families I have connected with over the years. My light shines tonight for you.   I love you all because you are my family and my world is bright blue because I know all of you.

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Can Human Beings Find Balance to Create Peace?

Martin Luther King Day was this week and on the major network talk shows, the actors from the movie Selma spoke about the significance of the film.  They expressed how proud and honoured they were to be a part of something that would remind and teach people about Dr. King and how he affected change in America.  A common reference in the talk show interviews with the actors was the irony and the timely release of the film in light of the deaths of Eric Garner and  Michael Brown.  I wonder what Dr. King would say about America if he was alive today?  What would he say about the world? We walk alongside each other in the streets, we work side by side but the racism, discrimination and hatred is still there lying just under our skin, seeping out of our pores and tainting society because mankind has never been truly accepting of difference.  We pretend to like all things unique but somewhere inside us we don’t.  The majority of us prefer to be the same and really don’t like to draw attention to ourselves.  We can deny it but to this day we still live our lives by archaic guidelines.

In my quest to move forward in 2015 with love, I find myself wondering how human beings can change the current of violence and hatred we are on.  I’m not saying the world is all doom and gloom or overrun with bad people – it isn’t, but we know there are a lot of things we need to permanently change for the better.  We also know that we have many alternatives to unkindness, hatred and violence that we just don’t choose to put into effect.

We live in a time when watching the effect of terror on the world is a regular occurrence.  Our living room has become a window to a world where hatred and violence unfortunately are commonplace. Those of us able to recall September 11, remember sitting in front of the television speechless and tearful as what looked like an accident was in reality the biggest act of terror of our time. We watched live coverage of the towers as they burned, tiny fragments falling from them – tiny fragments that we quickly realized were people jumping to their death as they tried to escape the fire.  9-11 was a day of triumph for an evil few and a great tragedy for the rest of the world.  We were afraid; there was great anguish.  We shed tears of sorrow and despair over lives lost and tears of joy whenever a survivor was rescued.  At certain points throughout that day and the days that followed we felt hopeless, discouraged, angry and disappointed in mankind but we also saw that this act of terror made the majority of us (the good people of this world) better.  We dug deep into ourselves and found our compassion.  We knew how to be kind again and we acted out of love.  On the news we saw one colour as soot and ash covered hands reached out and grabbed others and pulled them them to safety, drew them into secure and comforting hugs and tended to their wounds.  This terrible, unfortunate and evil historic event gave way to the incredible strength and inherent goodness of the human spirit and many remarked that we would be forever changed.

Over time, structures were repaired and rebuilt and monuments were erected lest we forget and ever so subtly we returned to the rhythm of modern life – keeping our heads down, working the job, pushing through the stress, minding our own business and balancing everything in our lives just to get to the next thing, the next hour, the next moment, the next day, month and year. But the terror has not stopped and we are truly afraid.  We are hyper-observant when we travel and whatever our colour we sometimes are suspicious of brown faces and non-western religious attire.  We can say that we stand up to terror by not backing down or changing the way we live our lives. We can say we will continue to travel wherever we want, however we want, but deep down we are fearful and mistrusting.   In retaliation to terror some of us have become comfortably critical of the religious rites of others and have no problem ridiculing a person’s faith.  And while it is a person’s democratic right to speak freely and express their opinion, is it wise to provoke violence?

A dear friend, posted a beautiful and insightful quote on her timeline from Deepak Chopra that says,

“Speech can cause humiliation and incite violence or heal.  Freedom of speech can be a path to           enlightenment, or a road to death and destruction.  The enlightened purpose of speech in wisdom         traditions is to create bliss, joy, happiness, peace and healing in the listener.  If you pause before         speaking and ask: Is it necessary? Is it useful? Is it kind? [Then]  you are wisely using the privilege       of freedom of speech”.

All religions are ridiculed one time or another without violent retaliation.  Charlie Hebdo is notorious for their political and religious satire and while what they published was deemed offensive by the terrorists who sought revenge, they did not deserve the attack on their facility in 2011 and no one deserved to lose their lives in the recent attack this month.   No one who is truly religious will act violently in the name of their faith.  No religion urges people to kill in the name of their God.   I watch the news with my hand pressed to my lips far too many times as I see the result of cruel acts of the ruthless on the innocent but what concerns me is that I am not experiencing the shock and grief of 9-11. I watched the news reports on the cowardly and brutal slayings of Warrant Officer Patrice Vincent and Corporal Nathan Cirillo in Ottawa last October.  I watched  the coverage of the  Sydney Cafe Siege in Australia, the Peshawar School attacks in Pakistan and the terror attacks in Paris and I cannot recall a time when I did not see footage of the unending violence in the Middle East or civil war in Africa.  As I wrote this this week, there was breaking news that ISIS had taken two Japanese men hostage and are demanding an exorbitant amount of money for their release to the tune of $200 million dollars.  When will the terror and hatred stop?   I have come to a point in my life where it seems I almost expect to see this horror and more than ever I find myself wondering what good people can do to eradicate evil.  Could our world be saved if we all pursued balance amid the chaos that is terrorism?  Could we perhaps be more mindful of what we say out loud?  As Chopra says, if what we say is not useful or kind should we say it?  Should we offend and provoke and put people’s lives at risk?  And on the flip side, how dare we decide that killing in the name of any God is justified? Since when do mere mortals get to decide that any God promotes violence over peace?

Standing up to terror by going on with our lives and pretending to shun fear is a valid and valiant way to counteract it but it isn’t enough.  Saying and doing whatever we want whenever we want is our democratic right but perhaps we need to think about how far is too far.  People are dying and I am not sure it will end if we don’t find other ways to stop the senseless acts of violence.  Free speech is truly the right of humankind but most of us don’t go up to people and out rightly insult them.  What is the point of teaching our children to be accepting of all people regardless of their culture, race, religion or creed when we can’t set an example for them?

So what do we do? If the majority of us approach others with kindness and love and turn our back on violence and hatred can we count on those who resort to horrific measures to turn their back on evil and work to create a balance among all people and nations so that we can live in peace among each other in spite of our differences?

In conclusion, I cannot come to a conclusion.  This topic has been on my mind for a couple months and I have been working on writing my thoughts on it for a week.  I’m afraid in trying to raise points about embracing peace and putting it into practice, I have discovered that we may not be able to change the world even if the majority of us puts forth our efforts.  Maybe evil carried out by a minority is stronger than all the love and good intentions of many.  Maybe (and I am afraid this statement might be true) we may never find peace and we may never be able to create a balance among mankind because it only takes just a little bit of evil to tip the scale.  But in the small space I occupy on the planet, I will try to move forward everyday with love.  I will teach my children the value of peace, love and kindness and I will continue to hope that some day we humans will figure out that underneath the surface, under our skin we are all the same and we need the same things to survive.

 

 

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2015 – The Year to Move Forward with Love.

When my husband and I renewed our vows in 2007, we’d been together for 10 years.  He waited until the last minute to write his vows to me and he stole the show to say the least and brought tears to my eyes.  In them, he promised something that still sticks with me to this day and it was to continue hand in hand with me on the roller coaster that is our life together.  I held on to his words every day last year in what was the most difficult one for our family.  Our pain and struggle came in the form desperately trying to save our son who was struggling for his independence while living with autism and going through puberty.  Suffice it to say, when things are not right with a family member every aspect of everyone’s lives is affected and it seemed like there was a dark cloud hovering over our heads.

Though the roller coaster of 2014 was the harshest and most stomach churning of all our years since the children were born, I can speak on behalf of my husband and sons and say that it was also one of the most enriching and rewarding because it is in hard times that we see who we really are and who to call acquaintance and who we can truly call friend and who need not accompany us into the new year.  2014 reminded me that love is the only answer, ingredient, magic trick, drug, tool or whatever you want to call it that can truly change anything. Love turns darkness into light.  Though I have always been surrounded by love, it is only as I have gotten older and more in tune with who I am and who I will eventually settle to be, that I know how to truly love.  And by that I mean love all people and how to find love in different situations and places.  Love can save a child, can save a marriage, a life or many lives.  It can put food on a table, toys in the hands of a child, wrap a warm blanket around a homeless person or simply a smile on someone’s face.  I was fortunate to be surrounded by love and a lot of it came to me via virtual strangers whose kindness have made them part of my family.

I have always made a point of giving. Giving in ways that matter. Giving subtly and  because my family was so fortunate to have received so much love this year, it encouraged me to seek it out more.  My husband and I found ourselves looking at documentaries about people who changed communities by simple acts of love.  I found myself smiling even on the hardest days, knowing that we were still better off than so many around the world.  I found myself listening more, caring more and I was inspired to be less angry, less sorry for myself and my family’s situation and forge into 2015 with hope.

2014 also taught me that to move forward with love, you have to choose how best to spend your time and with whom.  Moving forward with love also means cutting off the sticky, clinging arms of those who hold you back.  You know, those whom you like well enough but there is an underlying quality of their nature that is corrosive and it doesn’t do anything positive for anyone?  Yeah, those people.  The ones you are polite to, tolerate as you listen to their incessant whining about something so frivolous you don’t understand how evolution hasn’t made them extinct by now.  The person so absorbed in their own destructive behavior that they have no clue that they are dragging down the ones who love them the most. Yeah, that person.  The rather rude person who needs to be seen talking to the right person in the crowd and if that happens to be you, you can set your watch to the exact time when they walk off and head to someone they deem more popular than you, in spite of the fact you’re in mid-conversation with them.  Particularly amazed by that particular breed of human. Then there is the friend who commends you for being the rock they needed in their time of struggle but doesn’t have the decency to ask how you’re doing or make a concerted effort to spend time with you as you do your best to get through each day.  That person is from the always baffling, self- absorbed centre of the universe club.  But in my quest to embrace more love, I have not come to bear any malice towards these people.  I truly do love them.  Love them enough to forgive them for not being smart enough, or kind enough, or sensitive enough to others. Love them enough to let them go. And while I am happy to forgive them I won’t forget not one precious second of my time be wasted on them because it will deprive others of what I have to give.

2014 showed me how much my mother and my sister, my cousins, aunts and uncles, father-in-law and SJC sisters love me and my family.  It showed me just how much my sisters-in-law and brothers-in law, try their best to be a part of our lives even though they are so far away.  I feel the love of my dear friends J, F and L across the miles and it keeps me strong and it was because of these people and a few used-to-be-strangers that my family and I were able to stay afloat on a wave of love that took us right to the end of 2014 and washed us safely onto the shores of 2015.  We’ve gotten to our feet, we’ve breathed in the fresh air and we are filled with courage but most of all we are filled with love  – love that we want to give.  I wish you all a 2015 of love.  Love to give.  Love to receive. Love that will set us free.  Love that can change our families,communities and just maybe, change the world.